ART
*Art* Part 1: GROUP TOUR
[ARTIST is working on a painting.]
TOUR GUIDE: On our right, we have several oils and acrylics, and on our left, we have the artist herself. Let’s wait just a moment for the rest of the group to catch up. [pause] This artist was born in 1965 and has been sadly unappreciated her entire life.
[TOUR GROUP murmurs sympathy.]
TOUR GUIDE: You may notice the dark colors, bold strokes, and blatant phallic imagery. Does anyone know what that represents?
MAN: Sublimation of sexual repression and guilt, juxtaposed with the inherent freedom--pronounced: lack of structure--that typifies the Bohemian lifestyle?
TOUR GUIDE: Yes--very good. Now, straight ahead, we have some of her mixed media collages. They won’t be worth anything until after she dies--if then.
[TOUR GROUP murmurs sympathy.]
TOUR GUIDE: All right, who needs a bathroom break?
[Many in the TOUR GROUP raise their hands; the group starts to disperse.]
WOMAN #1: [pointing to another painting] Do you have this one on a mug?
[BOY pulls on ARTIST’s sleeve.]
WOMAN #2: Jimmy, don’t touch the artist!
[END Part 1]
*Art* Part 2: SPORTING EVENT
[ARTIST is working on a painting. A CROWD gathers, dividing into 2 camps--those who are rooting for the artist and those who are heckling the artist.]
From GROUP 1: The composition is deliciously provocative.
From GROUP 1: Ooh, I love that red.
From GROUP 2: Those colors don't go together at all.
From GROUP 2: Ohhhh dear. That was unfortunate.
From GROUP 1: Wow, that line--what a bold choice.
From GROUP 2: There's such a thing as art school, ya know.
From GROUP 1: Yee-ha! Way to work that foreground!
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs! Get yer hot dogs!
From GROUP 2: Another afternoon ruined by burnt sienna.
From GROUP 2: For cryin' out loud, sister, can't ya draw a straight line?
CHEERLEADER: Gimme an A!
GROUP 1: A!
CHEERLEADER: Gimme an R!
GROUP 1: R!
CHEERLEADER: Gimme a T!
GROUP 1: T!
CHEERLEADER: What does it spell?!
GROUP 1: ART!
CHEERLEADER: [jumps, kicks, etc.] Ya-a-ay Art!
From GROUP 1: Art rules!
From GROUP 2: Oh, the horror! The horror!
From GROUP 1: You go girl!
From GROUP 2: [horrified] My eyes! My eyes!
REFEREE: [blows whistle, drops flag] Painting outside the lines.
From GROUP 2: Finally!
REFEREE: Penalty--2 minutes, no brush.
[The whole CROWD gasps.] GAMBLER: I just hope this artist can cover the point spread. Papa needs a time share in Sarasota!
SPECTATOR: Cover the point spread?
GAMBLER: Yeah, with a drop cloth, at least.
SPORTSWRITER: This is a real Cinderella story. This man was not favored to get out of the minor leagues, but a well-timed gallery showing smacked one out of the park! Not since Leroy Nieman has an artist's heat so beautifully caught the world of spectator events!
SPECTATOR: Is it true the half-time show will have reclining nudes?
GAMBLER: I just wish the vendor had beer. I'm gettin' sick of this white wine!
[END Part 2]
*Art* Part 3: CRIME SCENE
[ARTIST is working on a painting. A CROWD gathers, gasping, as if witnessing a crime in progress.]
[POLICE OFFICER #2 holds the CROWD back.]
POLICE OFFICER #1: [with gun drawn, says to ARTIST] Freeze! Put your hands in the air, and step away from the canvas. Drop the brush--I said, Drop the brush! [muttering] Against the wall. [frisks the ARTIST] You artists think you can just paint anything you like. [puts handcuffs on the ARTIST] We live in a Society!!!
POLICE OFFICER #2: [to CROWD] All right, it's all over. Nuthin' to see here. [puts a white sheet over the canvas] Move along. . . . Nuthin’ to see here.
[END Part 3]